What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 11:06
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why am I always so tired and I don't eat enough?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
Have you ever answered your door in lingerie?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It has been said that people with ADHD can often hyperfocus. Can that be an advantage?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
How do I find a transgender girlfriend?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I never cut or harmed myself..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I waited trembling.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I don,t even have a pension.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i lived it daily.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im still living with it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.